I have to laugh a little when I look back at this years posts and there is one from the beginning of Feb titled "A gentler me". Boy, that was a big lie. My life the past two years has been anything but gentle. I share this story in hopes that some, if not all of you, can identify and feel like you are not so alone.
Just about two years ago we received the diagnosis of Autism for Jack. I have made my mission in life to research everything I could to make his life easier. And in that time, I have spent a lot of time being really angry. Really angry with him, with schools, with busing, with my other kids, with my husband, but most of all with me. Some how, this was all my fault. All. My. Fault.
The last two years I have done nothing but abuse my body. Through food, alcohol, lack of sleep, lack of exercise, you get the idea. I felt like he was suffering so I should be too. And then Griffin said something to me this week that made me stop in my tracks.
He asked why I watch sad videos and cry all the time. My response was "Because I want to know there are other people out there going thru a rough time". Bingo. I clearly need some support. I literally would wake up every morning just pissed off at someone/something. That takes a ridiculous amount of effort and I would rather do something that makes me happy.
I am lucky enough to have a fantastic group of parents thru Jack's school and some very close friends (Beenie Weenie and Mighty Mouse) who have been instrumental in pulling me out of this dark hole. The stories they tell and the things they have been thru make me realize we all have hurdles and it is our job as parents to jump them. Someone has it harder than I do every day, but we all do what we can for our kids.
I have realized that Autism does not define my lifestyle, it is just a part of who we are as a family. We are so much more than that: We are acceptance into Zoo School for Emily next year: we are Big League baseball for Griffin who has been asked to be on several teams: We are a child who finally likes going to school: we are a husband and wife who are trying to do the best we can for each other and our kids. THAT is who we are. Together we are stronger as a whole.
In this path of not letting Autism define me, I am getting back into running, stepping away from people who don't make me happy, forging new friendships, and treating myself the way I should have been all along. I am stepping back from reading a lot about Autism and doing more reading to make me happy. These last three months at Jack's new school has shown me he will be ok, we will get to a good place.
And when I woke up this morning pissed off that Griff had stayed up till 1am on the computer, I laid in bed and thought of how I could deal with this. My instinct was to march down there and tear him apart but I laid in bed for a bit and calmed down. When I came down, I told him computer off at 10pm. Period.
He was waiting for the shit storm and I didn't deliver. I don't think he knows what hit him.
And that felt really good.
I have been from Fat Cat to Fit Cat to Fat Cat and am working my way back to Fit Cat. I hope you are all doing well, enjoying some kind of spring where you are and will reach out for support if you need it.
Thanks for reading.
Cat
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